Rachel: Lead. Strong character, but initially doubtful of herself.
Jackie: Supporting character. The stereotypical blonde character. Does not have to be blonde. Functioning alcoholic, nervous and unsure of herself after facing a traumatizing event.
Kevin: Supporting character. Cool, but egoistic. Irresponsible. May or may not be hot.
Cody: Supporting character. The father figure (Dad bod not necessary.)
Randy: One scene character. Auditioning.
Jason: One scene character. Auditioning.
Scene 1 – Anxiety and All that Shit
Rachel and Cody are walking to the audition hall.
Rachel: Hey Cody, how’s it going today?
Cody: Oh, the usual, you know… you excited for the auditions?
Rachel: Yeah, I am. A bit nervous too. I’ve never directed before and I have no idea how it’ll end up.
Cody: Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s a real learning experience. As long as no one dies this time it’ll all be fine.
Rachel: Wait, what?
Cody: Ehhh, that’s not important right now. Come on, let’s take a seat, the actors should be coming in by now.
Rachel: Alright, so how is this going to go?
Cody: Well, the actors will line up and deliver the monologues that they’ve prepared. You know, based on the plays that they are auditioning for, and we base our decision on that.
Rachel: Wait, so we don’t make them read specific lines or anything?
Cody: Nope. Doesn’t matter.
Rachel: Then how will we find out if they are right for the show?
Cody: You just will.
Cody: Rachel, do you not believe in yourself?
Rachel: I mean, I guess I do, sometimes. Although, sometimes I’m not that self-confident. My therapist thinks that it might have something to do with how distant my parents were during my childhood and…
Cody: OK, FINE. Well, don’t believe in yourself, believe in me. Believe in the Cody that believes in you. Ok?
Cody: Great. Let’s go get seated then.
Scene 2 – The Auditions
All the actors line up and start delivering their lines one by one, sometimes talking over each other to simulate an edited video of different auditions merged together in one.
Randy: Hi, my name is Randy, and I will be auditioning for screaming man in, “Oh Crap My House is Burning and (Dramatically speaking) I Can’t Find MY BABY!”
Jackie: Hi, my name is Jackie, and I’ll be auditioning for Marilyn in “Beauty Bombshell.”
Jason: Hi, I’m Jason, and I’ll be auditioning for the one man play, “My Best Friend Decided to Go Vegan.”
Randy: Ahhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhh! Ahhhh!
Jackie: Happy birthday to you…
Jason: So, you might have heard that my best friend decided to go vegan all of the sudden. Yes, I know, everyone’s talking about it…
Randy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY BABY!!! WHERE’S MY BABY?!?!
Jackie: …happy birthday to…
Jason: …and I told him that I knew what he meant, but he’s also a cat so you don’t have to give in to the pressures of the human society…
Jackie: …happy birthday tooooooooooo…
Jason: … and then I turned to him and said, listen up you homophobic neutered tail chaser, if you don’t spit that out I will come up there and shove my big…
Stage lights up and Cody walks towards the actors.
Cody: Ok, thank you everyone, we’ve seen enough. That was great. That was really something. Yeah, ok, we have your information and if you get casted you should hear from one of the directors soon.
The actors say “thank you” and leave.
Cody: So, do you think you have your actors?
Rachel: Yeah, I think it went really well! That Jackie was such a good Marilyn, I couldn’t believe it!
Cody: Yeah she was, wasn’t she? Looks like you got lucky there. Now you just got to get them to rehearse, rehearse, rehearse. (Laughs, maniacally coughs, then awkwardly leaves the stage)
Rachel: Alrighty then, I’ll see you later.
Scene 3 – The Rehearsals
Rachel: Well this is just ridiculous. Where is everybody? I swear I told everyone to show up at 5PM (Checks phone) yep, 5PM, and they’ve all read it too.
Kevin: Hi, I’m sorry I’m late. I didn’t want to come.
Rachel: What do you mean you didn’t want to come? You auditioned for the show and accepted the role!
Kevin: Yeah, but I only did it because my girlfriend wanted to try new things. But then she wanted to try celibacy instead and move to Germany, so I decided to dump her and date her ex-boyfriend. He’s cool. However, I wasn’t sure if I still wanted to do this but I thought, “Hey, why don’t I see how a few rehearsals go and then I’ll decide.”
Rachel: No, no, no, you can’t do that. It’s not a trial period. You agreed to be the co-lead. There are no understudies! You can’t back out.
Kevin: Why not?
Kevin: Ok, I’m convinced. So where’s everyone else?
Rachel: Well, the rehearsal today is just you and your co-lead, but I have no clue where she is.
Kevin: Is she by any chance (Describes the actor playing Jackie in two words)
Jackie: Yeah, she’s outside lying on the floor.
Rachel: What? I’m going to go get her. Do not move.
Rachel goes outside and looks around for Jackie.
Rachel: Jackie, where are you?
Jackie: I’m right here. You don’t have to yell.
Jackie: Behind the dumpster.
Rachel: Why are you behind the dumpster?
Jackie: Because (Sound effects of glass bottles clicking) I was in front of the dumpster before and crying, but people thought I was doing a performance piece. Then, they started taking pictures and giving me money.
Jackie: Yeah, I made fifty dollars. Well, it’s either that or they were hipsters who thought I was a homeless person.
Rachel: Well, come out front. (Jackie comes to the front and stands next to Rachel) Do you want to tell me why you were crying?
Jackie: I’m just not sure if I can do this. I’m really nervous.
Rachel: Well, you haven’t even tried it yet.
Jackie: That’s true, but
Rachel: Listen, today’s the first rehearsal. Maybe you’ll love the cast. Hell, your co-star is just so, ha… he’s such a class act. You guys will get along so well. Why don’t we go get you acquainted?
Rachel and Jackie walk into the main room. Kevin is sitting there, unmoved like a statue.
Rachel: Kevin, come meet Jackie. Why don’t you guys talk while I go set things up, ok?
Rachel leaves the stage.
Kevin: Hi, I’m Kevin, I initially didn’t want to come.
Jackie: Hi, I’m Jackie. I swear I’m totally sober right now.
Rachel: Ok guys, I’m ready for you.
Kevin: So, totally sober Jackie, wanna give this a shot?
Jackie: Eh… sure.
Walks off the stage.
Scene 4 – The Tearful Backstory
Jackie is standing in the room, talking on her cellphone.
Jackie: (On the phone when Rachel walks in) Well, have fun at the funeral, Uncle Toy. Ok, bye.
Rachel: Hey, your uncle’s first name is Toy?
Jackie: Oh no, it’s Joe. Thank you for making the time to come and meet me.
Rachel: No problem, what’s up?
Jackie: I don’t think I can do the show.
Rachel: What? The show is tomorrow and we got through five perfect rehearsals. Why not?
Jackie: The thing is, I haven’t been on the stage in a very long time, not since I was a wee little child. It was 1997. I was the best dressed amongst all the toddlers at the Miss Pre-Teen USA, and for the talent round, I had the perfect song to blow the judges away, and then… PeePee happened.
Rachel: Oh no, did you pee your pants? Diapers? (To herself) Damn it Rachel, not everyone wore diapers until pre-teen. (Smiles back at Jackie)
Jackie: No, PeePee was the name of this Dutch girl who sang my song before I went on! I was left with no option, I didn’t know what to do. I went on stage and for some godforsaken reason literally went “(Makes sheep sounds) thank you New York,” and walked off the stage. We were in Pennsylvania, Rachel, Pennsylvania!
Rachel: Oh, well I’m sorry that happened to you, but that’s life, right? You pick yourself back up and get on that horse.
Jackie: Wait, there’s a scene with a horse?
Rachel: What? No. Goddamn it, has no one read the script properly. (Sigh) Listen, what I’m trying to say is, you need to put the past behind you and move forward. The fact that you even auditioned for the show proves that you’re ready for this.
Jackie: Yeah, I got super drunk before that.
Rachel: Oh… Um, well, it’s your subconscious then. It’s what you really want!
Jackie: Maybe you’re right.
Rachel: (Moves closer to her in an intimidating sort of way) Good. So, you go home now, learn your lines and do whatever it takes to bring me my Marilyn.
Jackie: Wait, are you asking me to go get more wasted? I’m sorry, you threw me off.
Rachel: No, of course not! (Moves even closer) Whatever. It. Takes.
Scene 5 – Opening Night
Cody: Ok, Rachel, your act’s going to go on in two minutes. You all set?
Rachel: Yes. I can’t believe this is almost about to be over.
Cody: Hmm… Where’s your lead?
Rachel: What?! Wait, no. She’s right there, what are you talking about?
Cody: Not your Marilyn, your other lead, your Joe DiMaggio.
Rachel: Oh, crap. Been running behind one crazy whack job I forgot about the other one.
Rachel turns to Jackie who was standing right behind her.
Rachel: Shit, ok. I know you have anxiety, but I need you to pull through and stall for me.
Rachel leaves after Jackie nods at her.
Jackie: (Takes in a deep breath) This is my moment to shine. (Walks to stage and starts a weird dance routine) I like big butts and I cannot lie, these other brothers can’t deny, when a Jackie walks in…
Rachel: Never mind! I found him. Give me that (Takes the hot dog out of his hand)
Jackie and Kevin: Oh, come on!
Rachel: Go, go, go, go! (Pushes them both off stage and onto the “real” stage)
Rachel sighs, Cody walks up behind her.
Cody: Well, (Startles her) see, you did good. They’re all ready and on stage performing.
Rachel Stares at him like a cat ready to claw into his skin.
Cody: Okay… (Walks off)
STAGE FADES TO BLACK.