When I looked up and saw cupid with his bow and arrow, I knew we were in trouble because that abnormally cheerful child was going to mess everyone’s lives up again. What’s his deal anyways? He randomly goes along, uninvited, and decides who is going to fall in love with whom. What kind of messed up Greek came up with this fat baby? Love is grand and all, but I don’t want an arrow sticking out of my ass or to fall in love with the nearest jackass that crosses my path. Also, cupid doesn’t even consider sexual preferences, so he is downright heteronormative. I can’t handle an “all knowing God” assigning sexuality like every other asshole on planet Earth. This being said, Valentine’s Day is not a quality holiday if the chairman wears a diaper and assigns roles for people, but what do I know? We elected a guy that fits that description!
Code Red Mountain Dew
“Did you ever notice that Code Red Mountain Dew is just edgy fruit punch?”
Ode to Pooping in Gas Station Bathrooms
Pooping in gas station bathrooms
that is what we discussed.
We talked about the door being locked
since the key was lost,
and the toilet being clogged.
We talked about what
happens when the paper
is thin and leaves tiny bits
stuck to your ass.
We talked about how flies buzz
in and out of holes in the walls,
and how they made that
dumping ground their home.
We talked about where
we had to go to get
to that Texaco.
We laughed and
teared up and
confessed about shitting
in a hole when there was no place else to go.
Damn, I guess we
shouldn’t poop in any more
of those rancid bowls!
Vanilla Bean Noel
Thank you Bath and Body Works
for making me smell like the inside of a sugar cookie’s asshole.
The Christmas season can now commence forward once more
because of this magical development.
WHY ARE THERE NEVER ANY FORKS AT THE DOWNER???
I guess I will just eat my spaghetti with a spoon like the piece of shit that I am –
The other day, I nearly shattered my kneecap on some slippery-ass ice trying to waddle my fat little body to the library so I can print out an essay for class. God forbid somebody throws some fucking salt on the ground to clear that shit up, but that would take too much effort, so they just let everyone break their asses skidding across the ice every morning. But why is it that it’s like Antarctica turned into a jet turbine or some shit up in here? I nearly blow away every ten seconds. The other day I walked out of a building and my hair blew everywhere, like it does to Anne Hathaway in the movies, but instead of looking cute I just looked like some ugly duckling type of bitch with straw falling into my eyes. Man, I’m just trying to live a life here, I didn’t ask for any of this windy city bullshit.
It was one of those wintery days that gradually lead into the night when I was walking home from the marketplace. It began to snow, and as each flake descended from the sky they softly rested on my hat to cling to warmth and perched on the shoulders of my jacket for better vision of the path ahead. The air that I breathed out thawed the cool air momentarily to produce a cloud of precipitation that hung stagnant until it dissipated into nothingness before my eyes. The sun began to set and cast out its dying light to produce glorious shades of soft pinks and deep-set purples to prepare for the night sky; all of the petrified trees were layered in ice to illuminate the foreground against these iridescent colors. I always enjoy winter because of the distant smell of burning wood that exits people’s chimneys, and the crunching of snow beneath my every step along the untended path to shelter. This night was one of those special winter nights that I hold dear to my soul; which surprisingly enough, tends to my complications instead of increasing my disquietude. I suppose it’s the little things in this life that truly make me happy.
“No expectations, no disappointments”
-Me, expecting failure whenever I try something new
Is anyone out there listening?
No matter; I will simply continue to fuel the void
with my self-deprecation until someone from the outskirts
of my thoughts speaks up to silence my petulance.
It’s not the fact that I have despised you since the moment I met you.
It’s not the fact that you belittle my intelligence.
It’s not the fact that your opinions lacerate my jugular vein.
It’s not the fact that you call me a “Snowflake.”
It’s not the fact that you have instilled fear into my brother.
It’s not the fact that every time I see your face I associate it with Himmler.
It’s not the fact that you voted for hate and licked your lips while doing it.
It’s not the fact that you have never changed.
It’s not the fact that you have never cared about equality.
It’s not the fact that you don’t respect anyone that has stepped through your ring of fire.
It is simply all of these things and more.
It is the piece of shit you are, and always will be.
I could spend all day punching the wall to get to the other side of someone’s psyche out of frustration with their ignorance, but I decide to ball my fists by my side for a later date; now is the time to listen to comprehend, and then fight back for protection.
My fingers could break while you’re blue in the face,
but I will give you the space to verbalize your hate.
Now I ain’t saying you a deplorable,
but you ain’t messing with no progressive bitches.
I did try and fuck her, even though she was married.
I stare around the classroom at all the females present and hope for their safety; that they were safe yesterday, today, and for the rest of their lives from creeps on the streets, to the one in the White House. I hope they don’t listen to his lies. They are not pigs. They are not a 3/10 on the “hotness scale” because they are flat chested. They are not just walking vaginas that men can come around and fuck anytime they want. They are valuable and beautiful and precious and meaningful and talented and inspirational and stunning in more ways than I can describe.
I moved on her like a bitch.
I worry about little boys and girls growing up in this nation that have to witness their president speak in such a disgusting manner. I hope the little girls can find solace within themselves; especially within their bodies. I hope that this presidency doesn’t shatter their hopes and dreams of one day becoming an astronaut or an architect. I hope little boys find this appalling and never allow themselves to stoop to his level. I hope they find closure in the right actions and understand the necessity for unity between the sexes. I hope all of the children listen carefully and never allow this man to deface their future nation.
When you’re a star, they let you do it.
I feel bad for all of the parents out there trying to teach their children good morals. They always tell their children to “think before they speak,” but now the child can repeat back that their president doesn’t, so why should they? A man that gets away with every derogatory statement; every false accusation against the press; and every lie he has ever written in 140 characters or less on Twitter.
You can do anything.
There should be repercussions for all actions committed that go against our inalienable rights as citizens of the United States. No one should get away with lies and brutality and the peddling of fear.
Grab them by the pussy.
My heart aches for those who have been sexually abused or harassed in their lives because now they have to stare into the eyes of a sexual predator and show him “respect,” because he holds the most powerful position in society. Every time I hear him bash abortion, even within the context of rape, I think of those who need these services. They are no less of a human being for making this choice, and can choose this path no matter the circumstance. I think of the LGBTQ+ community that he has bashed while annunciating the acronym as if they were foreign characters on a chalkboard and told them where they can and can’t pee. I think of the Black Lives Matter movement for their efforts in saving humanity, but have been turned down for being too “exclusive” while voicing out their concerns, yet everyone in the cabinet is white and privileged and only fuels their needs.
You can do anything.
Everything this barbaric vulture of fear spouts from his guttural mouth reverberates through my ears, and chills run down my spine – not because he believes them; for I think he is simply an instrument of destruction – but the fact that ordinary people believe. Neighbors that I thought valued the lives of their friends and loved ones have stepped forward to support the slime that protrudes from this appalling figure.
I felt as if fear won that day.
I felt as if the future was anon.
But there is a movement of resistance;
Resistance to the fear –
Resistance to the prejudice –
Resistance to the agent of hate –
There is a bright future if we don’t lose hope, and question his actions.
So, to all of the Women,
People of all ages –
Please come together, because
Love Trumps Hate.